Remember in my introduction to my blog over there on the right column I said that sometimes this journey would get ugly? Well, here is some of the ugly.
I’m scared............
I mean really scared.
I had such great momentum going last year through, truthfully, probably only October. I had lost almost 70 pounds—69.2 to be exact.
I was feeling good. I was feeling empowered. I was feeling hopeful that whatever in me had clicked and that I was truly taking back my life, one pound at a time.
Life was good.
Life was fun again.
Life was full of adventures that it had been a very long time since I had been able to enjoy--shopping at stores without electric scooters, going to movies and not being in pain from sitting in the seats, just to name a few.
Then slowly, but surely, I relaxed………and not in a good way.
This type of relaxing is toxic to my health.
So, what happened?
Well, up until the first of May, I was gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. As long as my total loss stayed in the 60s, I felt I was doing okay.
Mind you, gaining/losing the same 10 pounds is NOT what I wanted to be doing or needed to be doing. But, I was still doing okay and had not given up. Right?
Well, yes and NO!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!
Cynthia, this is your life you are fighting for? Are you happy sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy doing things that you love to do? Are you happy?
Are you happy? I’m not talking is my mood happy. Not talking about being happy with my job. I’m talking about being happy about the choices that I’m making today that will determine the choices I’m able to make tomorrow--tomorrow in the proverbial sense, not the literal sense.
I’m talking about being happy with the choices I’m making today regarding my journey toward a healthier/lighter Cynthia.
Are the choices I’m making today fostering positive results that will allow me to make the choices in all of my tomorrows that I’d like to be making? (Does that sentence even make sense??)
Like I said in the title of this blog………….I’m scared, I’m really scared.
Where do my choices go from here?
1 comment:
I know exactly how you are feeling. It's a scary place and sometimes it feels like you are the ONLY ONE who "just can't get it"!! I know, I know! Same thing with me a year ago or so... and HOW IN THE WORLD can we lose that much weight and feel SO good and feel like FINALLY it's happening and BOOM! I have always attributed it to pride coming before the fall... or cake, or ice cream, or candy. You get the picture. But that is NOT just the issue. Sin issue? Yeah, probably for me anyhow. I mean we are fallen man, and we all have our areas that are our thorns.
That said..... I have been watching a lot of those shows like Biggest Loser, there is a Christian place in Texas that there is a show based around.... where people go to live while they try to get a hold on their addiction, there is the new one Makeover Weight Edition (or something like that. I have heard a reoccurring them over and over and over and over and over and FINALLY it hit me..... Until I know WHY I choose to eat ..... because it IS my choice .... I am afraid I will always be battling this monster. The thing is... I want there to be a fix..... and I don't think there is until I get to that point.
That left me feeling even more hopeless, because that is the one question I have NEVER been able to answer.
I'm working on it, too. I am going to Hulu and praying before watching those shows and asking God to go before me and let me hear what I need to hear. I mean, THEIR issue isn't going to be MINE.... but perhaps I will hear SOMETHING that will trigger an area God has been waiting for me to surrender to Him for.... a ... long.... time.
Lots of Journaling. LOTS. It's hard to go deep when I thought I already had been down that road.
There is a payoff to our overeating. To my binges. To going back to the food even when we thought --- well, you get the idea. There is a reason. Before God, I am searching for that so that He can do some surgery.
I don't know if this is in your case. I suspect it is in any of us who fight addictions....
.... I have been and will continue praying for you.
Post a Comment