Well, I did it!!! Or.........did I????

I got my second “honorary” 5K charm from WW this week. And, that’s pretty much the only positive spot in my health related actions this week.

Last year, I got my first “honorary” 5K charm by working up to and doing a 5K on the recumbent bike. It was a lot of hard work, pain, sweat and perseverance. I was so proud of myself for that accomplishment last year.

This year, not so much. This year, a completely different story. Yes, I worked hard, sweated and experienced pain and accomplished what I needed to earn another honorary 5K charm. But, it was bittersweet.

This year, I didn’t feel the joy of accomplishment like I did last year.

This year, the celebration seemed “flat.”

This year, those of us who are “medically-challenged” were allowed earn the charm by walking a 5K within a 24 hour period. I got tongue tied in class when I reported my accomplishment. I earned my charm by walking it in the afternoon, evening and next morning and early afternoon, on a treadmill, flat land and in the water (with the help of putting my pedometer in a plastic bag to keep it dry)…….still within 24 hours.

So, why was it a bittersweet victory?? After all, I walked more than twice as many steps as I normally walk four days this past week. I actually did walk over 3 miles to earn the reward. I walked, I walked………..I WALKED!!

So, again I ask, why was it bittersweet to accept the charm from my leader this year???

Because I kept thinking how I should have been earning this reward the “right” way this year—out walking a real 5K with others. I should be farther along on my weight loss journey and with my fitness level. After all, I’ve been at this since January 2009 with water aerobics and December 2009 with WW and water aerobics.

I had a long chat with my WW leader last week and she said something very profound to me. She told me to stop comparing myself to ME.

Huh???

She went on to say that while talking to her, I kept saying that I was able to do such-and-such, I was losing better, I was this and I was that. But since this and this and this happened in my life, I was no longer able to do such-and-such.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH YOU!!! “Cynthia, this is today. This is where you are. Don’t talk about the Cynthia of last month. Don’t even talk about the Cynthia of last week. Start with this Cynthia and move forward.”

Hellooooooooooooo……………what a radical thought!! Start with THIS Cynthia and move forward!

So, last week I mulled that conversation over and over and over and over…………

I do struggle with comparing my weight loss journey to others whose age is similar to mine or weight is similar to mine or whatever. And, I know the danger of doing that. So, I really do strive not to compare my weight loss journey to other’s. But, comparing my weight loss journey to my own weight loss journey………yep, guilty as charged. Just hadn’t really thought about and realized how dangerous and unproductive that is.

As I struggled through this issue of comparing myself to myself, I pretty much ate and ate and ate as I thought and thought and thought. I showed a whopping 6.6 pound increase on the scales. (At least I’m consistent……..gained this much a couple of weeks ago during my birthday week celebration.) UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! And, the real scary thing is that I didn’t completely “throw in the towel” and forget making healthy choices. I just added very unhealthy and unwise choices on top of the healthy ones.

Thus, another reason receiving this 5K reward was bittersweet.

BUT, that was yesterday and THIS IS TODAY!!!!

Today, I have the freedom to make a choice. I can choose to fight hard and get back on track or I can toss in the towel and gain all of what I have lost—which, in this case, is a very negative result. The choice is mine. No one can make it for me.

Only I can make the best choice for me.
Only I can stop these self-destructive habits.
Only I can choose to fight this battle, literally, fight for my life.

Soooooooooo, as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I ask myself, “Cynthia, the choice is mine!! What am I going to choose?”