What I am putting into my mouth……….

What I am putting into my mouth will NOT change the circumstances of my life, but what I am putting in my mouth WILL change how I am able to deal with those circumstances.

In other words………..

Last night at my office Christmas party, I ate stuff that was not WW-friendly. Why? Because, as I kept telling myself, I only get this particular food or this recipe this time of year. Or, I skipped lunch. Or, I'll eat more carefully tomorrow.

Well, HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Is it not possible to make that same recipe in April or August? Does tomorrow ever come?

Huh? Never thought of that, did I?? Well, yes, but I kept pushing those thoughts back and pushing more food into my face.

Now, understand, I was not overly stuffed when I finished. I didn’t eat totally out of control. I did refuse tasting all of the desserts and I only ate a couple of bites of the homemade cheesecake.

But, I did eat too much………too much according to my daily PointsPlus allowance.

Sooooooo, how does this NOT change the circumstances of my life? Did I enjoy the party more because of what I ate? Did co-workers chat and laugh with me more because of what I ate? Did I feel more joyful, more a part of the group, more loved, more energized by what I ate?

Ummmmmmm, let me think……………

Uhhhhhhh, NO!

I didn’t FEEL any of those things.

Then, what did I feel as a result of what I ate?

Actually, what I felt last night was not the result of what I ate at that particular meal. What I felt last night was the result of what I have been eating these past several months.

This time last year, I was on the losing path. I was gaining muscle strength and better/more mobility. I was able to walk a bit farther and stand a bit longer without excruciating back and knee pain. I was lighter on my feet, literally.

The poor choices I have been making this year, especially these last 4-5 months, with regard to eating and exercise brought about the feelings that I had last night.

While everyone else was fluttering around the kitchen putting out their covered dishes…….while everyone else was wandering around the coworker’s home seeing all of her pretty Christmas decorations…….while everyone else was having fun playing charades…….while everyone else was stirring about chatting and laughing with each other…………………….I was sitting on the sidelines, and at one point, fighting back the tears.

No, Cynthia, what you put into your mouth last night did not change the circumstances about your evening………..BUT, it did change the way you were able to enjoy and respond to those circumstances. It (what I ate) and probably the fact that I cried my way to sleep, caused me to awaken with a sick headache today.

Dear Cynthia, when will you learn that your choices--food choices and exercise choices--if made correctly, will bring about more freedom, more mobility, more laughs, more fun, more joy than you can ever imagine?

So, what I am putting into my mouth WILL NOT change the circumstances of my life. But, what I am putting into my mouth WILL change how I can handle those circumstances.

Responsibility, NOT an Option.........

Just read this on the WW message board posted by my buddy, Happythang19: “I've accepted that at the end of the day, losing weight is a responsibility, not an option for me.”

Stick a fork in me, I am done!! I am so done with this fat suit that I have worn for “weigh” too many years.

Done.

Finished.

I will CHOOSE to do something about it NOW.

2010 brought a year of losing almost 70 pounds and gaining some precious mobility and going off BP meds, just to name a few accomplishments.

2011 brought a year of tough changes in my personal life and work life. These changes ended up derailing me more than I’d like to admit. That derailment has resulted in gaining back 40+ pounds.

The above quote has just hit me squarely between the eyes. I’ve been saying that quitting is not an option and this is true--I cannot quit. So, now I must add the aspect that losing weight is my responsibility.

Well, DUH!!! Okay, I KNOW it is my responsibility to lose my weight. But, I have been slack at accepting the working out of that responsibility. I have allowed things around me, things that I could not control, to derail me.

2012 will be a year of forward progress down the scale and up the mobility trail.

Do I hear me????? DONE with this limited life. Yes, finances may and will limit what I can do that I’d like to do. HOWEVER, I can choose not to be limited by my weight.

The choice is mine as well as the responsibility!! I have been making too many wrong choices during 2011. I can choose to change that trend. I am choosing to be done with this fat. Done, I say DONE with this limited life. It is my responsibility and I am choosing to accept that responsibility.

Only one person......

I just saw this quote today. It is not the first time I have seen this quote. I hope and pray that it will be a time that I have seen this quote that the truth of it will sink deep into the marrow of my being and make a difference in my life.

It only takes one person to change your life -- you.

I started this journey almost two years ago on December 12, 2009. I was determined that it would be the last time that I started this journey. I would not quit until I reached goal and beyond.

When I first began, I was excited. I was doing quite well following the Weight Watchers plan. I was cooking at home, I was exercising regularly. WOW!!! That in and of itself--exercise--was a first for me. I was loving life and the success I was experiencing. Folks were excited for me and were cheering me on often. I was able to get off my blood pressure medication. I was able to go more places. I was able to shop for a bit in stores that didn’t have electric scooters. I was getting smaller and my life was getting bigger and it was fun.

The first year, I lost almost 70 pounds. The second year, I gained back over half of those 70 pounds.

What was the difference in 2010 and 2011? Things that I could not control around me changed and I allowed those changes to affect with my journey. I allowed those changes to discourage and derail me. I allowed external things to determine my choices. I am the only thing that didn’t change this past year. I, too, am the only thing in this “mix” that I could control. Yet, I allowed other things to determine my motivation, my determination, my choices, and my journey.

Cynthia, it only takes one person to change your life -- YOU!!!! I, Cynthia, have the ability to make the choice to change my life. No one else can change it for me. Yes, people will come along side me and encourage and cheer me on during this journey. But, only I can make the right choices to pursue weight loss, health, and mobility--to change my life.

Yet again, the reality of the fact that the choice is mine hits me in the face. I’ve made some poor choices this past year and the scales have responded to those choices. I cannot request or receive a “do-over” for 2011. But, I can choose a “new” way of doing things for the remainder of 2011 and into 2012.

I can make the right choice. Yes, I can………………..

Silence is NOT golden............

Okay, enough is enough!!!

Well, it is safe to say that no news is NOT good news. When you don’t hear from me, it pretty much means that I’m making poor choices, lots of excuses, and not making progress in my journey toward health.

I need to make the commitment to blog at least once a week………regardless of what I have to say/report. I must “own” my poor choices on this journey and not hide when I am making poor choices. I must blog what’s going on even when I’m making poor choices or lots of excuses. After all, this is going to be a long journey and it will involve poor choices, as I have proven that over and over.

I must continue to work to make the good choices more often and poor choices less often. I must continue to seek to not make the poor choices as often and I have been doing this past year.

My poor choices this past year have involved not tracking, not cooking at much at home which leads to eating out more, not figuring the PointsPlus values when I do track, treating myself to those “pointy” treats too often, and making/finding/allowing excuses to not go to water aerobics. There are probably more, those are just the ones that come to my mind right now.

Bottom line…………this year, I have gained back about half of what I had lost during 2010. The good news is that I have continued to attend class each week. I have continued to face the scales. I know that had I not continued with classes, I would have gained it all and then some back by now. Whereas I feel good about not stopping class attendance, I do not feel good about gaining half of it back.

I have such an excellent support group. I am blessed with family and friends who care and who want to help and encourage me. But, I am the only one who can actually do this thing for me.

There’s probably a lot more to say, but it is late and I need to finish up and get ready for tomorrow then get to bed. The bottom line is: This journey is about choices and excuses. I have made some good choices and I have made some poor choices. I have made lots of poor excuses.

However, the one choice that I refuse to make is the choice to quit. I cannot and must not and will not quit. I am quite worth the fight!!!

✔✔I can do this thing today!!!

THAT is going to become my "go to" statement!! I have been struggling for almost a year now. This past Saturday when I stepped on the scales and realized that I have now gained back half of what I had lost between December 2009 and December 2010, I thought "something has to STOP."

I’m basically staring December 2011 in the face and I do NOT want to be any closer to where I was in December 2009. Therefore, something has to STOP!!!

Actually, something must START!!!

I must START planning.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START putting me first again.
I must START preparing my meals.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START cooking at home and not eating out.
I must START not only tracking, but figuring the PointsPlus amounts.
I must START going back to the Y at least 2-3 times a week.
I must START doing some form of exercise daily!!
I must START drinking more water and less Diet Mountain Dew.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START fighting for my life again.
I must START “doing this thing.”
I must START refusing all excuses.
I must START being accountable to self.
I must START facing reality and being honest about this reality.
I must START blogging more consistently.
I must START working the program because the program works!!
I must START resisting food temptations.
I must START putting food in its proper place.
I must START not only tracking, but figuring the PointsPlus amounts.
I must START going back to the Y at least 2-3 times a week.
I must START doing what I know I need to be doing.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START choosing to be motivated.
I must START not only tracking, but figuring the PointsPlus amounts.
I must START cooking at home and not eating out.
I must START drinking more water and less Diet Mountain Dew.
I must START going back to the Y at least 2-3 times a week.
I must START taking care of myself.
I must START being excited again about my new healthier choices.
I must START working the program because the program works!!

(And, no, there are no duplicates on that list. Just some of the things must be done over and over and over in order to succeed.)

IF I want to enjoy life, I really have no other choice………….. I must START doing what I know to do to move myself toward a healthier, mobile, active life.

OH, and I must START getting more sleep each night. I’ve read article after article about how sleep is necessary for your body and metabolism to work for you instead of against you.

Just like the journey of a thousand miles begins with packing your bags, putting gas in the car, mapping out your journey or updating your GPS, loading the car, cranking the car, pressing the accelerator, and moving forward one mile at a time………….so does the journey of weight loss.

I must START my weight loss journey again by planning, preparing and implementing, and losing one pound at a time.

That really is my only choice. It’s a good choice. It is a choice that I know I can make. I have done it before and I can do it again.

So, Cynthia, I CAN DO THIS THING TODAY!!!! Yes, YES I CAN!!! But...........I must START!!!

Excuse me…...I am not a quitter, I am a loser! Or, am I???

(This was written on August 14th, not sure why I never posted it.)

I made this bookmark back in March 1994. At the time, I had lost almost 100 pounds following Weight Watchers® and weighed around 280-290. It was the most weight I had ever lost. I was feeling good about myself and life was fun and busy.

But obviously…………I was struggling.

Welllllllllll, fast forward to today. I quit following the WW program. I became a quitter and I lost my battle of regaining my health.

I quit in 1994 and I lost. I regained the weight and more that I had lost.

I do NOT intend on being a quitter in 2011.

I DO intend on being a loser.

IF I quit, then I am definitely not a loser.

IF I quit, I would become a loser….…………but what I would be losing if I quit is not what I intend on losing.

Quitting = losing

NOT quitting = losing

Quitting = not losing.

Not quitting = not losing.

I do want to be a loser!! I do not want to be a quitter!!

So, if I am to become a loser, then there are definitely some things that I must quit.

Life can get rather confusing at times.

I am going to choose to become a loser, not a quitter!! Yep, that's my choice and I like that choice!!!

Choice..........it is a powerful word!!!

Choice defined:
►act of choosing something or somebody: a decision to choose one thing, person, or course of action in preference to others
►power to choose: the chance or ability to choose between different things
►selection of things: a variety of things, people, or possibilities from which to choose

Choice!

•*¨*•C•*¨*•H•*¨*•O•*¨*•I•*¨*•C•*¨*•E•*¨*•

A powerful life skill we all possess! A powerful skill we often underestimate.

We make choices each day; consciously and subconsciously. The choices we make shape a moment, a day, a ministry, a job, a relationship......and, definitely, a weight loss journey.

★How will I use this life skill today, especially as it relates to my weight loss journey? I will repeat that phrase throughout the day. I will make good health choices. I will drink water and not as much Diet Mountain Dew.

When I began my WW journey in December 2009, I was choosing to make wise, healthy choices. I have allowed life's bumps and crashes to weaken my resolve, even dare I say, destroy my resolve to make wise, healthy choices.

Today, I WILL CHOOSE TO MAKE WISE, HEALTHY CHOICES.

★★What reward will I experience by refusing to quit? The rewards will be overwhelming. I hadn't quite lost 70 pounds last fall and my list of rewards were very exciting and impressive. I feel myself losing some of those 70 pound rewards. I don't want to continue to lose those rewards.

So, I have a choice to make. I can keep doing what I'm currently doing and hope for a different outcome. Or, I can accept responsibility for my choices and start making better choices.

I can start making choices that will compliment my journey toward better health. Choices that will force the scales to move on a downward path. Choices that will take back those "70 pound rewards" that I have lost. And..................choices that will earn me more rewards.

I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!
I want the reward of accomplishment.
I want the reward of walking, running, bike riding, walking leisurely through the mall, walking through the Zoo, walking through the park, walking, walking, walking..............

I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!

►►I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!◄◄

►►Cynthia, it◄◄
►►really◄◄
►►IS◄◄
►►my◄◄
►►choice!!!◄◄

Yep, that’s my choice. I refuse to quit!!! That’s a choice I can live with. I like that choice!!!

You know what?? It IS all about me!!!!

And the sooner I realize that, the better off I’ll be.

No, I don’t mean that life, in general, is all about me. I don’t mean that when I’m out with my co-workers, family or friends, that it is all about me.

I know that when I am with other people, it is NOT all about me, nor do I want it to be. I don’t mean that it is all about me at the expense of everyone else.

What I mean is that as far as success in my journey toward health, it is all about me. I am the only one who can make this journey work for me.

I am the only one who can make the choices necessary to make forward progress on my journey toward health.

So, for the proverbial $64million question. WHEN will I make the decision to make this journey all about me and do what I know I really should be doing?

If not now, then when????? When will I start making ALL of the choices that must be made to make forward progress on my journey toward health? The choice is completely mine. I am the only one who can make it for me. If not now, then when???

If I were totally honest........

If I were totally honest, I’d face the reality that I have been searching for what I cannot and will not ever find.

Oh, I know this is true in my life and has been for a number of years. But, I keep living outside the reality of this fact as I continue to search for what I cannot and will not ever find.

If I were totally honest, I’d embrace that reality and I’d cease and desist searching for what I cannot and will not ever find.

Yes, it is true that I have lived here and there for a few weeks, even a few months at a time in the reality that I cannot find it. But, then I grow weary in the process and again start searching.

Searching and, yet again, NOT finding.

I am searching for the magic supplement, the magic pill, the magic trick that will cause the weight to just roll off my body. It’s not out there. There is no magic. I know this. Yet, I seem to keep searching for it.

Oh, I haven’t tried every “if you do this, you’ll lose 25 pounds overnight” gimmick out there. In fact, in reality, I’ve tried very few, if any, of those gimmicks with those outlandish, grandiose claims.

But, I have tried my fare share of natural supplements which promise to enhance weight loss. I have tried my fare share of “lose weight faster by drinking ½ cup of grapefruit juice 30 minutes before each meal” to rev up your metabolism. I have tried my fare share of “don’t eat anything after such-and-such time” to speed up weight loss. I have my fare share of “don’t eat any of this colored food” to ensure weight loss.

Do these things work? Possibly. But most of them are things that you can’t really do for the rest of your life. And, they do not work “alone.”

Sure, I could drink grapefruit juice for the rest of my life………….well, actually, that example doesn’t work because I can’t drink that much grapefruit juice each day without my mouth painfully breaking out. So, let’s try another one…….

Sure, I could eat nothing after 5 PM for the rest of my life. That one seems easy enough. No, wait. What if I’m invited to cookouts, parties, dinner at a friend’s home, dinner out with friends after work? I currently don’t even get home until after 5 PM, so I’ll have to eat supper on the way home or before I leave the office. Oops, eating supper on the way home is partially how I got to the weight of 408. Well, eating nothing at 5 PM clearly won’t work for the rest of my life.

Okay, If I’m going to live in the reality that I cannot and will not find what I am searching for, what choice to I have? Is my only choice to remain in this dreadfully overweight body?

Well, actually, NO that is not my only choice. I can choose to live in the reality that my search is over. I am not going to find anything magical to shed the extra pounds.

I must fully embrace with my BRAIN the reality that I cannot and will not find what I am searching for. I must fully embrace with my BRAIN the reality that I can shed these extra pounds. I am not destined to live at this weight for the rest of my life.

There is a song out right now that has the words in it, “I love you more than the words of my brain can express.” This song is talking about the love relationship that the musician has with God. (You can hear the song and see the lyrics here: HoldMe.) But, I digress………..

I have the tools and I know what to do. I just have to get my brain into gear and do what I know to do. I have to quit searching (for the magic) and start doing (what I know to do). I have to quit hoping (that I can do this.) and start knowing (that I CAN do this!).

Quit searching.................start doing.
Quit hoping................start knowing.

So, today, July 10, 2011, 4:30 AM, I, Cynthia, am going to quit searching and start doing. I, Cynthia, am going to quit hoping and start knowing. Yep, that’s my choice……………

Okay, first, I'm going to choose to go to sleep.

I am not where I want to be............

I am not where I want to be. This is a true statement.

……….HOWEVER, I am not where I USED to be!!! This, too, is a true statement.

I AM NOT WHERE I USED TO BE!!!!

That, dear friends, is good news.

Some would say, even I have said, that these last few months, actually all of 2011 so far, have been a failure. I weigh more now than I did on January 1, 2011.

HOWEVER……………..there is another angle to consider, more than just what the scales say.

I do not:
*weigh 408 pounds again.
*drive through fast food places daily for my daily meals.
*get milkshakes and French fries on my way home from work every day.
*intend on giving up.

I am still:
*going to my weekly WW classes and facing the scales.
*walking most of the time without my stick.
*able to do some shopping in stores that don’t have the electric scooters.
*trying new PointsPlus®-friendly foods.
*convinced that “I’ve got this.”

Yes, I was in a better place on July 1, 2010………..but, hear me when I say that I am NOT where I was on July 1, 2009.

No, I am not where I wanted to be on this July 1, 2011………….but, hear me again when I say that I am NOT where I was on July 1, 2009.

AND, hear me when I say that I fully intend on being in a better place on July 1, 2012, than I was on July 1, 2010.

I can choose to make that happen. I get to choose my “place.” I am going to choose the “better place.” Yep, that’s MY CHOICE!!!!!

So, I met one of my WW heroes……………..

Please forgive the week-long delay in posting this. This post was actually written on Saturday, June 18th. Thunderstorms and getting the pictures downloaded from my camera were the hold-up.

Here is the status that I posted on Facebook when I returned home on Friday, June 17th: “Oh my, what a WONDERFUL DAY!!!! I met one of my heroes today. She has done something that I want to do and she has renewed my belief in myself and my ability to succeed!!!! Oh my, what a WONDERFUL DAY!!!!!”

For several months now, I have been trying to get to the upstate on a Friday when Sheri was leading WW class. Well on June 17th, it finally happened. You see, Sheri has lost over 200 pounds which was more than half of her body weight. At this point, she has been a lifetime member for just over a year and she looks wonderful!!!

Oh my what a difference two weeks and meeting one of my WW heroes can make in my life!!!! Two weeks ago, I felt "lost," discouraged, hopeless, scared, really scared......................

June 17th, I got up early on my day off and picked up a friend on the way out of town. A couple of hours later, we arrived in our destination city in time to visit Whole Foods and see what delightful treats we might find there. Didn’t buy much but sure do wish we had one of these in our town—all the veggies and fruits looked so delightful and fresh.

Then we headed over to the WW class where I would finally get to meet one of my WW heroes, Sheri. To be honest, I am in awe of those folks who have lost the amount of weight that I need to lose. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for those who have lost 20, 30, 40 or more pounds and are living at goal.

But there is something about meeting someone who has lost 200 pounds the healthy way—by eating, not starving it off.

This particular hero of mine has lost 202 pounds and kept it off for a year now. She is now a Weight Watcher leader and is encouraging others to reach for their dreams.

After class, we enjoyed lunch together at Jason’s Deli. I had learned about another buddy from the WW message boards lived in the area and she was able to slip away from work and join us for lunch as well. FUN!!

I laughed when Sheri sat down with her delightful PointsPlus®-friendly lunch and quickly said something like this, “If any of you are monitoring my PointsPlus today, just know that I am soooo having the ice cream for dessert.” Love it!!! (Isn't it GREAT that we can have treats like "real" ice cream on WW!!!!)

During lunch I shared where I was at this point in my journey—struggling and can’t get it going again. I shared how I was scared, really scared that I couldn’t get back on track. Sheri looked at me and said she hoped not to offend me, but……. (I gave her freedom to just say it. I know I needed to hear it.)

What words of wisdom did she share with me? Well, here’s the list.

1. Choose what you want to deprive yourself of!! Yes, you can eat cupcakes and ice cream, but what will you be depriving yourself of if you eat those things out of control?
2. You still eat with your same eyes.
3. You don’t want to lose the weight more than you wanted those cupcakes.
4. You can get back up when you fall down.
5. Be accountable to someone.
6. Be brutally honest in your accountability.
7. You don’t have to exercise 2-3 hours every day of the week in order to lose weight or maintain the loss.
8. You can go completely off plan when on a special trip (and gain quite a few pounds while on that trip) AND get back on plan when you get home and still end up losing 202 pounds.
9. This is for the rest of our lives.
10. It can be done!
11. Become whatever you dream! You can do it!

Okay. There it is!!

Did she share any earth-shattering new information with me? Actually, no, nothing completely new.

For me, the most significant thing she shared was not WHAT she shared, but from WHERE she shared it.

You see, she shared with me as someone who has done what I need to do—lose 200+ pounds. She understands not being able to walk up stairs without gasping for breath. She understands not being able to do things in life because of weight. She understands how overwhelming it is to need to lose 200+ pounds.

So, my dear Cynthia, you have been face-to-face with someone who has done what you must do—not just lose weight, but lose 200+ pounds. It can be done.

So, what’s my choice? Where do I go from here???? One thing I know for sure is that I cannot and WILL NOT give up!!! If Sheri (and others I know from the WW message boards) can do it, then so can Cynthia!!!!

PS: I carried my copy of People magazine and had Sheri sign her page.

Scared.............REALLY Scared!!!!

FYI--I actually wrote this entry on June 7th, but never posted it. I'm posting it today before I post what has transpired in my thinking/life since writing this.

Remember in my introduction to my blog over there on the right column I said that sometimes this journey would get ugly? Well, here is some of the ugly.

I’m scared............

I mean really scared.

I had such great momentum going last year through, truthfully, probably only October. I had lost almost 70 pounds—69.2 to be exact.

I was feeling good. I was feeling empowered. I was feeling hopeful that whatever in me had clicked and that I was truly taking back my life, one pound at a time.

Life was good.

Life was fun again.

Life was full of adventures that it had been a very long time since I had been able to enjoy--shopping at stores without electric scooters, going to movies and not being in pain from sitting in the seats, just to name a few.

Then slowly, but surely, I relaxed………and not in a good way.

This type of relaxing is toxic to my health.

So, what happened?

Well, up until the first of May, I was gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. As long as my total loss stayed in the 60s, I felt I was doing okay.

Mind you, gaining/losing the same 10 pounds is NOT what I wanted to be doing or needed to be doing. But, I was still doing okay and had not given up. Right?

Well, yes and NO!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!

Cynthia, this is your life you are fighting for? Are you happy sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy doing things that you love to do? Are you happy?

Are you happy? I’m not talking is my mood happy. Not talking about being happy with my job. I’m talking about being happy about the choices that I’m making today that will determine the choices I’m able to make tomorrow--tomorrow in the proverbial sense, not the literal sense.

I’m talking about being happy with the choices I’m making today regarding my journey toward a healthier/lighter Cynthia.

Are the choices I’m making today fostering positive results that will allow me to make the choices in all of my tomorrows that I’d like to be making? (Does that sentence even make sense??)

Like I said in the title of this blog………….I’m scared, I’m really scared.

Where do my choices go from here?

Well, I did it!!! Or.........did I????

I got my second “honorary” 5K charm from WW this week. And, that’s pretty much the only positive spot in my health related actions this week.

Last year, I got my first “honorary” 5K charm by working up to and doing a 5K on the recumbent bike. It was a lot of hard work, pain, sweat and perseverance. I was so proud of myself for that accomplishment last year.

This year, not so much. This year, a completely different story. Yes, I worked hard, sweated and experienced pain and accomplished what I needed to earn another honorary 5K charm. But, it was bittersweet.

This year, I didn’t feel the joy of accomplishment like I did last year.

This year, the celebration seemed “flat.”

This year, those of us who are “medically-challenged” were allowed earn the charm by walking a 5K within a 24 hour period. I got tongue tied in class when I reported my accomplishment. I earned my charm by walking it in the afternoon, evening and next morning and early afternoon, on a treadmill, flat land and in the water (with the help of putting my pedometer in a plastic bag to keep it dry)…….still within 24 hours.

So, why was it a bittersweet victory?? After all, I walked more than twice as many steps as I normally walk four days this past week. I actually did walk over 3 miles to earn the reward. I walked, I walked………..I WALKED!!

So, again I ask, why was it bittersweet to accept the charm from my leader this year???

Because I kept thinking how I should have been earning this reward the “right” way this year—out walking a real 5K with others. I should be farther along on my weight loss journey and with my fitness level. After all, I’ve been at this since January 2009 with water aerobics and December 2009 with WW and water aerobics.

I had a long chat with my WW leader last week and she said something very profound to me. She told me to stop comparing myself to ME.

Huh???

She went on to say that while talking to her, I kept saying that I was able to do such-and-such, I was losing better, I was this and I was that. But since this and this and this happened in my life, I was no longer able to do such-and-such.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH YOU!!! “Cynthia, this is today. This is where you are. Don’t talk about the Cynthia of last month. Don’t even talk about the Cynthia of last week. Start with this Cynthia and move forward.”

Hellooooooooooooo……………what a radical thought!! Start with THIS Cynthia and move forward!

So, last week I mulled that conversation over and over and over and over…………

I do struggle with comparing my weight loss journey to others whose age is similar to mine or weight is similar to mine or whatever. And, I know the danger of doing that. So, I really do strive not to compare my weight loss journey to other’s. But, comparing my weight loss journey to my own weight loss journey………yep, guilty as charged. Just hadn’t really thought about and realized how dangerous and unproductive that is.

As I struggled through this issue of comparing myself to myself, I pretty much ate and ate and ate as I thought and thought and thought. I showed a whopping 6.6 pound increase on the scales. (At least I’m consistent……..gained this much a couple of weeks ago during my birthday week celebration.) UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! And, the real scary thing is that I didn’t completely “throw in the towel” and forget making healthy choices. I just added very unhealthy and unwise choices on top of the healthy ones.

Thus, another reason receiving this 5K reward was bittersweet.

BUT, that was yesterday and THIS IS TODAY!!!!

Today, I have the freedom to make a choice. I can choose to fight hard and get back on track or I can toss in the towel and gain all of what I have lost—which, in this case, is a very negative result. The choice is mine. No one can make it for me.

Only I can make the best choice for me.
Only I can stop these self-destructive habits.
Only I can choose to fight this battle, literally, fight for my life.

Soooooooooo, as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I ask myself, “Cynthia, the choice is mine!! What am I going to choose?”

Hellooooooooooo…………Cynthia, WE have a problem!!!

I was struggling, but still hanging on before Thanksgiving of last year and reached my high of 69.2 pounds lost. Since then, I have been up and down, up and down...........with my gain this past Saturday, I have now officially lost only 51.4 pounds--up 17.8 pounds from lowest weight since joining in 12/2009.

Let THAT bit of reality sink in, Cynthia. You had lost 69.2 pounds, now you’ve only lost 51.4.

It is time to stop the madness!! It is time to stop hiding behind the excuses you've managed to hang on to. It is time to stop choosing failure BECAUSE success is an option!!!!

YES, I am thankful to be 51.4 pounds lighter than my highest weight. HOWEVER, this is not an acceptable weight to stay at. And, let’s face it, as a friend and I were talking yesterday…………we don’t STAY at a specific weight, we are either losing or gaining. Why is it so hard to lose, yet so easy to gain?

THAT should have served as a wake-up call. But, alas, birthday cake called louder and more obnoxiously and this has not been a good week.

Yesterday, as I was sitting at my desk at work, I realized just how bad, physically bad, I felt. I felt sluggish again. My knees have been hurting more. My energy is less.

WAKE UP!!!!! STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!

Cynthia, remember your decision to make the right choices to take back your health and mobility????

Cynthia, remember how good it felt to walk free of pain and the stick????

Cynthia, remember how good it felt to get off your BP meds????

Cynthia, remember how good it felt to shop at stores without electric scooters????

ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE THAT UP AGAIN????????

My head says a resounding NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! But, my actions, my actions are what counts and will they show a resounding NOOOOOO????????

Will I continue to haphazardly follow the WW program?

Will I continue to "excuse" my way out of trips to the swimming pool?

Will I continue to hope the scales show a loss when I know that my eating and activity level have done very little to contribute to a loss?

When will this madness stop?

Cynthia, we have a problem!! What’s your choice going to be? Only YOU can make the right choices!!

It's NOT my losses???

What sustains my journey?

Do my weight losses sustain my journey? Do my weight losses spur me on toward continued healthy choices when it comes to food and exercise? Or does my commitment sustain my journey? Does my commitment sustain my weight loss? Does my commitment spur those scales toward positive responses?

That’s where I am today. What sustains my journey????

Saturday was a very good day as far as results from the scales. Down 5.8 pounds!

Excellent! Who wouldn’t be excited and thrilled with that response from the scales?

So………………what now?

What happens today, tomorrow and the next day?

I have to continue to remind myself that it wasn’t what happened in that one moment when I stepped on those scales and the dear person who was weighing me looked at the number a couple of times, then wrote it down with a smile. She then excitedly looked at me and said, “You lost 5.8 pounds this week. Great job!!”

I just lost 5.8 pounds!! Cool, very cool!!!!

But wait. No. I didn’t JUST lose 5.8 pounds!! My loss didn’t happen in that one moment that I stepped on those scales and she announced to me that I had lost 5.8 pounds.

So, when did my loss happen?

Did my loss happen on Friday afternoon when I choose NOT to have theater-popcorn at the movies? Did my loss happen on Thursday evening when I choose NOT to drive through Sonic and get a blast or McDonald’s and get a flurry? Did my loss happen on Thursday and Friday morning when I choose NOT to eat the two pieces of iced cake someone brought to the office? Did my loss happen on Monday or Tuesday when I choose NOT to add more dressing to my salad?

Can I have those things--popcorn, blasts, flurries, iced cake, dressing--on Weight Watchers®? Yes. Absolutely! I can have them. However, they are not always beneficial to my journey. They are not always the best choice that I can make at that point in time.

So, I repeat……………when did my loss happen?

My loss didn’t necessarily happen when I choose to cook last Sunday afternoon to prepare meals for the week at work. My loss didn’t necessarily happen when I choose to come home and cook dinner rather than eat a processed meal. My loss didn’t necessarily happen when I choose to not order that crab shell from Captain D’s on Thursday evening with my tilapia meal. It didn’t necessarily happen when I made sure I got my three daily dairy servings. My loss didn’t necessarily happen when I choose to walk to a co-worker’s office to ask her a question rather than emailing or phoning her. My loss didn’t necessarily happen when I pushed extra hard in the pool this past week.

AGAIN, I repeat……………..WHEN did my weight loss happen?

Just when did those 5.8 pounds drop off my body?

Reality is that my loss happened at precisely the moment that I made the commitment to control portions, track everything I ate every day, stay on target each day with my PointsPlus® values and push harder in the swimming pool and move my body more.

So, for the final time......WHEN DID MY LOSS HAPPEN?

I believe that it happened a week BEFORE I stepped on those scales this past Saturday. I believe it happened the moment I made the commitment to make the best choices of what I decided to feed my body and to push harder in the pool.

The bottom line truth, at least for me, is that it’s not my losses that will sustain my commitment -- it’s my commitment that will sustain my losses.

I have a skinny friend......

I have a skinny friend………a really, really skinny friend. That, in and of itself, is not so very unusual. What is unusual about it is what that friend has become to me in this journey toward health that I am currently traveling.

This is a person who has NEVER had a weight problem. She is completely clueless about what it would feel like to be even 10 pounds overweight, much less 200+ pounds overweight.

She has no clue what it is like to wonder if you can fit in a chair, much less if it will hold up under your weight. She has never wondered if she would be able to get up off the floor if she fell down or if there would be enough people around to help her up. She has never had to wonder if there will be steps to encounter when she goes somewhere new. She has never had to refuse to go somewhere because the seats are too small, they only have booths to sit in, the steps have no rails, the bathroom is too small, or there might be too much walking involved.

Yet, she is one of my greatest cheerleaders!

How can that be???

It still catches me off guard when she says or does something that just seems to “click” and encourage and motivate me toward making a better choice.

Somewhere along the line in this journey that I am on, she “got it.” She has watched me and listened to me express my struggles and fears. She listened, but more importantly, apparently she understood.

Even in her “skinnyness,” she understands, she “gets it” and she has become one of my greatest encouragers.

We don’t always choose our encouragers. I certainly would not have “chosen” her to be one as I would have never thought that she’d “get it.” But she “got it” and she has chosen to encourage me. (No, this is NOT a picture of the two of us. I just really LOVED this picture and it is similar to what we'd look like in this setting, except we're more the same height.)

I’m grateful for her choice!! This choice was hers and I like her choice!!

What are you waiting for?

Wow!! What a day!!

Didn’t really expect to get the results I got on the scale today. I thought I had done better this week. I did track most of the days. Guess those days that I didn’t track and couldn’t remember what all I had eaten weren’t so “weight loss friendly.” I even felt thinner a couple of days ago.

Oh well……………no looking back.


At my WW class today, the discussion was about “Pal Power.” My leader asked about the pals we have with us on our weight loss journey.

I know that I am very blessed. There isn’t anywhere that I go on a regular basis that I don’t have those who care about and support my weight loss journey--home, family, coworkers, friends, church, water aerobic buddies, even folks at McAlister's Deli.

But, one specific “pal” came immediately to mind. I met this pal through my WW class. We did not know each other prior to meeting in class. She and I have a lot of weight to lose, so we kind of gravitated toward each other in class over several weeks. We support and encourage each other. We understand each other and the journey that is ahead for us. Typically, when one is weak, the other is strong.

In class, we talked about the fact that sometimes our pal can become our “partner in crime.” We discussed ways to avoid that happening by having some accountability folks who you necessarily spend a lot of time with...........at least, time around food choices.

We also talked about how our pals can encourage and try to motivate us toward making healthy choices; but, ultimately the choice is ours to make. No one can force healthy choices on us.

I shared with some of my pals that mental tracking doesn’t work and asked how many weeks do I have to mentally track to prove that to myself? And from that comment, received THREE threats, I mean challenges, to track this week. One challenge included not only tracking, but weighing and measuring also. YIKES!!!! Another challenge included a threat as to a consequence if I didn’t show a completed tracker to her next week. Again, YIKES!!!

Thennnnnnnnnnnnnnn, after class, I made my regular every other Saturday trip to see my Mom and spend the afternoon with her. Mom has had a rough January-March. In fact, there were a few weeks in there that she refused to get out of bed and was having lots of bad headaches. She was not very chatty and her memory was not good. One Saturday, in particular, I truly thought I should call my sister and brother, Mom seemed to be slipped away right in front of me.

Well a couple of weeks ago, she popped out of it. Her eyes were bright again, she was getting up and participating in activities around her and she was chatting again.

Today, to further prove to me she is “back,” she asked me about my weight. How much more I had lost. Oh uhhhhhhhhh…………didn’t want to tell her that I’ve not lost more, in fact, I’ve been gaining/losing the same 10 pounds the last six months.

Mom: “How much more weight have you lost?”

Me: “Ummmm, not much. In fact, I’ve gained 10 from my lowest weight since beginning this journey. I can’t seem to get going again.”

Mom: “Well, what are you waiting for?”

Me: “Ummmmmmmmmmm, I don’t know.”

So few words, yet so powerful?

Well, what…………..are you…………..waiting…………….for???

So, I have asked myself over and over since those words came from Mom.

Cynthia, what are you waiting for?

WHAT are you waiting for????

What? Are? You? Waiting? For???

I do not have an answer. So, what choice do I make? Do I keep waiting on whatever it is that I’m waiting on? OR, do I get busy and do what I know to do to make those scales tip down?????

WOW, what a day! I have a choice to make: just keep waiting or JUST DO IT!!! I have plenty of pals encouraging me and cheering me on! I have three threats, I mean CHALLENGES, to do what I know to do. What more am I waiting for?

Success!! I’m waiting on SUCCESS!!!! I’m waiting on the weight to just fall off my body.

Okkkkkkkkkkk, now that I’ve answered that question, what now? Obviously, the weight isn’t going to just fall off my body. At least, not without some specific actions on my part.

How do I achieve success on this weight loss journey? I weigh, measure and track everything that goes into my mouth. I limit myself to my daily PointsPlus and maybe some weekly PointsPlus allowance. I get to the Y at least two days this week. I daily get my GHGs (good health guidelines)—which includes water, healthy oils, multivitamin, activity, fruits and veggies, dairy, whole grains and lean proteins.

Oh, and another thing------------sleep. I will do my best to get to bed by 10 PM every day this coming week. (OOPS, don’t even look at the time this was posted. LOL!!)

Those are MY choices!! I like those choices. Let’s do this thing!!!

Determination vs Motivation

Sure wish my second blog of the year could be from a much less tired and worn-out person. But, such is life for me right now, at least of the next couple of weeks. I've already worked over 51 hours this week and it is only 9:30 PM Wednesday. I really do love my job............just some seasons are extra-busy and intense. Tis the season.....

SO, here is what I posted on my WW board blog on Sunday. Just now getting around to posting it here.
************************

Determination vs Motivation

Ah haaaaaaa!!!

………………………Well DUH!!!!

I was just reading a post on the WW message board when someone (Sherry/readytobedifferent) said “forget about motivation, seriously you don't need it right now. What you need is DETERMINATION! Determination will get you so much farther than motivation ever thought about getting you. I wake up sometimes with absolutely no motivation to plan my meals or workout BUT I'm 100% determined to not gain all my weight back, I'm 100% determined to get healthier & have a baby.”

Ah haaaaaaaaaaa!! My motivation is definitely lacking. Got some overwhelming things going on in my life right now. I’ve allowed those things to distract me from my weight loss journey. I’ve not gotten derailed, but very distracted.

Due to increased hours at work, a longer and colder winter than we’re used to, and a bad cold, I’ve not been in the pool nearly as often in 2011 and I was in 2010. And, if I’m not in the pool, my activity level stays really low. I still am not able to last long with land exercises.

Yes, all of those are simple excuses that I’ve allowed—I’VE ALLOWED—to distract me on my weight loss journey.

At this point, February 26, 2011, I am going to give myself full permission to hold on for the next two weeks.

But, come Saturday, March 12, 2011, 3 PM, that permission is withdrawn.

The gig is up!!

The battle is back ON!!!!

Determination will be reinstated!! NOT determination to maintain. Determination to continue shedding the pounds.

And I am fully, completely, totally confident that once the determination is reinstated, the scales will start that downward trend again and then………………..

Then…………….motivation will escalate. Success breeds motivation.

Yep, that’s my game plan. Gonna put on my “game face on and ramp up.” Gonna find my “determination and spirit” again, as my trainer exhorted me a couple of weeks ago, and do this thing!!!

Yep, that’s my choice. It is a good choice. I like that choice!!

I.

WILL. DO.

THIS.

THING!!!!


By the way, what are some of the choices you’ve made so far in 2011??

So, just how many............

I sure do wish my first blog of the year could be more encouraging, inspiring or even a better testimony of how well I am doing following program and losing weight.

Not gonna happen. Not tonight.

I've been quiet a long time. So far, all year long.

Oh, I've had things to say and I've meant to blog several times. Life just seems to have gotten in the way. Work is really busy right now and I'm working a lot of extra hours. I tend to come home late and crash early.

I have even gone to sleep with my computer on my lap and woke up several hours later still sitting up in my bed with my hands still over the keyboard, typing ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs.

So, what happened in my life today that "forced" me to not go to sleep tonight until I blogged? Well, here's the story.......

So, just how many McDonald’s do you have to drive-thru to get an Oreo McFlurry??

Apparently, more than THREE!!!

Are you kidding me????? I drove through THREE McD’s this afternoon craving one, just ONE, Oreo McFlurry. THREE different locations!!

Location #1 – Me, “I’d like a small Oreo McFlurry, please.” McD, “Sorry, our ice cream machine is not working right now. But we have …..” Me, “No, thank you. I only want a McFlurry.”

Location #2 – Me, “I’d like a small Oreo McFlurry, please.” McD, “Sorry, our ice cream machine is being cleaned right now.” Me, after a slight chuckle, “Okay, thanks.” McD, as I’m driving off, “We have…………………”

You’d think I’d be getting the message by now.

Nope. Apparently not.

Location #3 (Good thing I live in a large city. LOL!!) Me, “I’d like a small Oreo McFlurry, please.” McD, “Sorry, our ice cream machine is broken right now.” Me, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????” McD, “No, ma’am. It is broken, but we have…….” Me, “No thank you. I only want ONE Oreo McFlurry. Just one, that’s all.” McD, “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

Well, as I begin driving away from drive-thru speaker number THREE, I begin laughing my head off. “Okay, Father, I get it. You are for me and those McFlurries are against me. I get it.”

So, I finished running my errands. Scooted by a friend’s house for a short visit and drove home…………….the long way so that I would not pass by any McDonald’s.

I’m stubborn and I didn’t trust myself not to try the FOURTH McD’s to see how their ice cream machine was doing.

Go figure, God is for me. He CHOOSE to set my stage for victory over the Oreo McFlurry craving today. Victory was NOT my choice, today. I was pretty determined. MY choice was to enjoy an Oreo McFlurry. But His choice for me was VICTORY.

And, tonight……………tonight, I like HIS choice. Maybe tomorrow, MY choice will be for victory. Yep, that's a good idea. Tomorrow, I will choose VICTORY!!!!

And as for tonight, I am very grateful that victory was mine today...........no thanks to my efforts. But, nevertheless, victory over the Oreo McFlurry!!

Oh, by the way....................I had a victorious Valentine's week (at least where chocolate was concerned). My secret sister at work gave me two bags of Weight Watchers chocolate candy. I ate it over four days instead of eating it all in one day.

Oh, by the way #2............it feels good to be back in the blog world. Thanks for reading.