Well, I did it!!! Or.........did I????

I got my second “honorary” 5K charm from WW this week. And, that’s pretty much the only positive spot in my health related actions this week.

Last year, I got my first “honorary” 5K charm by working up to and doing a 5K on the recumbent bike. It was a lot of hard work, pain, sweat and perseverance. I was so proud of myself for that accomplishment last year.

This year, not so much. This year, a completely different story. Yes, I worked hard, sweated and experienced pain and accomplished what I needed to earn another honorary 5K charm. But, it was bittersweet.

This year, I didn’t feel the joy of accomplishment like I did last year.

This year, the celebration seemed “flat.”

This year, those of us who are “medically-challenged” were allowed earn the charm by walking a 5K within a 24 hour period. I got tongue tied in class when I reported my accomplishment. I earned my charm by walking it in the afternoon, evening and next morning and early afternoon, on a treadmill, flat land and in the water (with the help of putting my pedometer in a plastic bag to keep it dry)…….still within 24 hours.

So, why was it a bittersweet victory?? After all, I walked more than twice as many steps as I normally walk four days this past week. I actually did walk over 3 miles to earn the reward. I walked, I walked………..I WALKED!!

So, again I ask, why was it bittersweet to accept the charm from my leader this year???

Because I kept thinking how I should have been earning this reward the “right” way this year—out walking a real 5K with others. I should be farther along on my weight loss journey and with my fitness level. After all, I’ve been at this since January 2009 with water aerobics and December 2009 with WW and water aerobics.

I had a long chat with my WW leader last week and she said something very profound to me. She told me to stop comparing myself to ME.

Huh???

She went on to say that while talking to her, I kept saying that I was able to do such-and-such, I was losing better, I was this and I was that. But since this and this and this happened in my life, I was no longer able to do such-and-such.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH YOU!!! “Cynthia, this is today. This is where you are. Don’t talk about the Cynthia of last month. Don’t even talk about the Cynthia of last week. Start with this Cynthia and move forward.”

Hellooooooooooooo……………what a radical thought!! Start with THIS Cynthia and move forward!

So, last week I mulled that conversation over and over and over and over…………

I do struggle with comparing my weight loss journey to others whose age is similar to mine or weight is similar to mine or whatever. And, I know the danger of doing that. So, I really do strive not to compare my weight loss journey to other’s. But, comparing my weight loss journey to my own weight loss journey………yep, guilty as charged. Just hadn’t really thought about and realized how dangerous and unproductive that is.

As I struggled through this issue of comparing myself to myself, I pretty much ate and ate and ate as I thought and thought and thought. I showed a whopping 6.6 pound increase on the scales. (At least I’m consistent……..gained this much a couple of weeks ago during my birthday week celebration.) UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! And, the real scary thing is that I didn’t completely “throw in the towel” and forget making healthy choices. I just added very unhealthy and unwise choices on top of the healthy ones.

Thus, another reason receiving this 5K reward was bittersweet.

BUT, that was yesterday and THIS IS TODAY!!!!

Today, I have the freedom to make a choice. I can choose to fight hard and get back on track or I can toss in the towel and gain all of what I have lost—which, in this case, is a very negative result. The choice is mine. No one can make it for me.

Only I can make the best choice for me.
Only I can stop these self-destructive habits.
Only I can choose to fight this battle, literally, fight for my life.

Soooooooooo, as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I ask myself, “Cynthia, the choice is mine!! What am I going to choose?”

May and June Bring Victories and Struggles......

Still filling you in on my journey thus far......

May, 2010 -- As you know, WW is promoting a 5K emphasis. I am not able to walk for any length of time yet without extreme pain in my legs and knees. But, WW is also allowing you to do the 5K in other ways: swimming, biking, elliptical, treadmill, etc. I decide that the bike is the way I will train to do the 5K? (Am I serious??? I'm considering doing a 5K?? Who is this person?? LOL!!)

We have a small work-out room in the basement of our office building. A co-worker agreed to go down with me and encourage me while I "train" for the ride. First time on the bike, I managed only .16 of a mile before I felt my legs could push no further. Oh my!! I've got a ways to go before accomplishing this goal. But, I have made the choice to pursue it and I will choose to give it my best effort!

As you see in the picture, I DID IT!!!!! Those are my hands giving a thumbs-up at my stats. (You can click on the picture and see a larger version to see my stats.) Cool, very cool!!!!

During the month of May, I turned a year older. I wanted to reach 52 pounds lost by my 52nd birthday. I didn't make that goal, but that's okay because I will make it to 52 pounds lost, just gonna take a little longer. I CHOOSE to be okay about that disappointment!

May 22, 2010 -- I have lost 47.4 pounds. I am feeling so much better! I am walking pretty much pain free all of the time, except when I step wrong and “throw out” my knees or shins or hip. But my chiropractor fixes that up right away. Actually walking pain free isn’t completely true……on LOTS of days after my workouts my muscles are stinking sore. I keep asking my trainer if the soreness will go away. She assures me that it will....that I am rebuilding muscles and they are letting me know that they “appreciate” it. Hahaha!!!

May 29, 2010 -- Had one of the most devastating weigh-ins yet. I gained 5.4 pounds. What is THAT all about??? I have a choice to make: give up or keep believing that, as my trainer says, "you've got this." I choose to believe that I've got this!! After all, this month, I put on a bathing suit that is three sizes smaller!!

June 4, 2010 -- Today was a difficult day. I felt as if I had a lead swimsuit on. The overhead presses and sprints were very difficult. I was fighting back tears during both water aerobic classes. Cathy asked if I was okay when she handed me the weights. I said, no, I was tired. Yes, I was physically tired from the jumps and sprints, but more than that, I am tired of the fight. I feel as if I’m fighting hard to lose this weight and the scales don’t seem to be cooperating. This has been a hard week, very hard. I have felt pain in my knees this week like I’ve not felt in several months. I have felt heavy this week. I have felt out of breath. I can tell I have been retaining fluid this week and I’m trying to drink more water because of a wellness challenge at the office.

June 5, 2010 - Heard something at class this morning that HIT HOME. It could very well be why I’m not losing like I’d like to lose--consistent. Thing is, I knew this fact; I just hadn’t applied it to some of my choices. Why? I’m not sure. Fact: 1 pt + 1 pt does not always = 2 pts. Specifically, when an item is 1 point per serving, two servings don’t necessarily equal 2 points. Arnold Sandwich Thins are 1 pt per serving, but if you eat 2 servings, then the points value equals 3 points. Same thing with the Atkins chocolate I’ve been eating and the WW bars as well. UUUGGGHHHHH!!! I’ve been using these items in the evenings to finish out my POINTS® for the day--which means I’ve often been eating more than one at a time. OH MY GOODNESS!!! This could very well be some major “hidden” points. With me using these items to finish out my points for the day as well as to “carb up” before workouts, there have definitely been some “hidden points” consumed and not counted.

CHOICE: I will NOT give up!! The choice is mine. Why choose failure by giving up when I can choose success!! The choice is, after all, MINE!!!