Happy Birthday to me!!!

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ Happy Birthday to me♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Happy Birthday to me♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Happy Birthday ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Dear MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!♥ ♥ ♥ Happy ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Birthday ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ to ME!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...♥

Well, although I've had a really nice birthday week, ending with a delightful birthDAY full of some nice surprises, I didn't get what I wanted for my birthday from me.

Although I ate out four meals this past week (most of which were free and one was $5 as my birthday gift from those places), I stayed within my daily and weekly PointsPlus values (PPVs). And, none of the PPVs were eaten as cake, cupcakes, or milkshakes. However, because of eating higher PPV foods, I didn't get in enough of the zero PPV fruits and veggies. I made good choices at each of the restaurants where I ate.

AND, I made the excellent choice of NOT taking advantage of the postcard from a cupcake bakery for a free birthday cupcake. YES, I could used PPVs and enjoyed it......................however, the last time I did this, it started an ugly slide down the gaining path. So, I CHOOSE not to go get my "free" cupcake since, in reality, it would have been only financially free. It definitely would NOT have been nutritionally free.

I had really hoped for several pounds to be gone at my WI this morning. Yes, I was disappointed, but you cannot eat out four evenings and not expect it to mess with your body. As I mentioned above, I stayed within my daily PPVs and weekly PPVs. But, I didn't get all of my daily GHGs--especially enough fruits and veggies. And, I'm sure I had more sodium than I typically eat. I had a gain of 1.4.

This week will be better!!! Back to eating out of my own pot and making sure I get all my daily GHGs!

So, for my birthday day: My sister and I had a nice lunch at a locally owned place where my Mom lives (Mom isn't able to get out anymore, so that's why she wasn't with us). We left lunch and went for a visit with Mom. Where she lives has a ladies tea party each year on Saturday before Mother's Day. They request that you wear hats to this. It was a fun day. The refreshments were just store bought mints and those daisy-shaped cookies with the hole in the middle. So, no temptation there.

Then my sister and I went sandal shopping for me at a shoe store in downtown. I need wide shoes and we knew that we probably should find a good supply of wide shoes there. JACKPOT!!! I was able to get two pair of SAS sandals that were 1/2 off plus they gave me a $15 off coupon, and a pair of Easy Spirits that were $10 off. So I got three pair of shoes for just a few dollars more than the ONE pair of SAS shoes I had purchased a couple of weeks ago but taken back.

I'll probably start checking there for shoes. LOTS of wides, double wides, and triple wides. They definitely order a large supply of wide shoes!!! (●̮̮̃•̃)

Then when we got back in the car, my sister asked if I wanted to go get BBQ. WOW, she doesn't enjoy BBQ like the rest of us, in fact, it typically makes her sick. But because it was my birthday, she said, "let's go."

It has been fun reading through all the Facebook greetings and I got several cards in the mail. It was a delightful day, full of nice surprises.

It feels SO GOOD to be back on track!!!
It feels SO GOOD to be making GOOD CHOICES!!

Learned something about myself this weekend.

Peer pressure still “hits” at my age. AND, it can be a good thing!!!

I was shopping at Sam’s after my WW class this morning. I had my scooter filled with rotisserie chickens, potatoes for baking, fresh fruits and veggies (broccoli, carrots, snow peas, sweet potato strips for roasting, blackberries, bananas, oranges), and a couple of non-food items when a lady “bumped” into my scooter.

I felt the bump and heard “excuse me, ma’am.” Turned around, and there stood one of my WW class buddies. She was grinning from ear to ear. We chatted a bit and she and her hubby went one direction and I went another.

Then it happened………………………..

First, I smelled them.

Then, I saw them.

OH MY!!!! YUM YUMMY!!!!!!!

They were offering free sample tastes and enticing you to purchase by offering a great price of two boxes under $7. That would equal out to less than 60 cents for each muffin.

Okay……….I’m not talking about the Otis Spunkmeyer muffins. While those are good (sometimes dry and old tasting to me) and are around 420 calories each (for the flavors I like), these are sooooooooooo much better than those. These are the Artisan Fresh Take 2 Muffins. That means you get a total of 12 muffins (6 each in each box) for under $7. They are freshly baked at your local Sam’s Club.

I took a taste of my two favorite flavors: Almond Lemon Poppyseed and Corn Muffin. WOW!!!! Delicious. I jokingly said, as I took a bite of one of the tastes, “I’ll bet these have about 1000 calories each.” The woman serving them said something like, “it is what it is.” (Interesting response.)

I checked out the box of those two and I wasn’t off by much. Their calorie count was over 600 for each muffin. OH MY!!!!! No wonder they were so good.

Thus the struggle began. I looked around to see if I saw anyone I knew. WHY do I think if no one sees me buy this stuff, it’s okay to buy it??? Believe me, I carry it around with me and show it off once I buy it and consume it…………..

I saw my WW buddy a few aisles over. Oh bummer, she’s still here.

I “drove” around that area probably three times before I finally did the right thing and left the area completely. I wasn’t about to let my WW buddy see me buy those muffins.

Peer pressure………………..still alive and active……………………can be a good thing!!!

Experience is a hard teacher!!!

I just saw this statement posted by one of my heroes on the WW message board: wannaliveforhim!!!

Experience is a hard teacher, for she gives the test FIRST, and the lessons afterward.

So how many times do I have to have the test before I will learn the lesson?? Apparently at least one more time. UUUGGGHHHH!!!

But, am I tired enough to make the choices I need to make in order to change things??? In my heart and with my voice I say YES!!!! But, with my actions, I say, NO.

Okkkkkkkk..........here we are AGAIN!!!!

Well, well, well............here we are.

It is March 27th and my annual March meetings are behind me. Lots and lots of hours have been spent at the office the past 4-5 weeks and our meetings were this past weekend. I have had two days off to get some much needed rest and refocus.

So, what now?

Do I continue down this path of gaining weight or do I get myself back on track and do what it takes to get myself in better shape?

The answer is simple.................it's the working out of that answer that's the difficult part.

NO, I do not continue down this path of gaining weight. I am not happy where I have gotten again. Walking is very difficult again and standing for any length of time is next to impossible. Yet again, I can no longer shop in stores where there are no electric scooters. I wasn't able to do much shopping without those electric scooters, but I was able to do some and it was really freeing. But, I'm back to scooter only shopping.

YES, I do whatever it takes to get myself in better shape and take back my life that I was beginning to enjoy again.

Reality is that I have regained most of the weight that I had lost. I haven’t been to class since mid-February. Only a couple of those weeks did I have good reasons for not going. At last weigh-in, I was less than 25 pounds from gaining it all back. I’ve been eating way too much chocolate, fried chicken, fried chicken sandwiches, French fries, and ice cream these past 3-4 weeks. It will not be pretty on Saturday.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week. I pray that I won’t have to go back on BP meds. I also pray that I won’t be officially diagnosed diabetic.

WHY do I do this to myself? WHY????????

Why do I make the choices that I make knowing the results that I will get? I was feeling so wonderful. I was feeling so free. I was feeling involved in life again.

So, what happened that reversed that journey and spiraled out of control to cause me to be where I am today?

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you because I don’t understand it myself. My routine changed and I didn’t handle it well. So, what else is new?

Routines change. Life happens. I must learn not to let changing routines and life happening around me to derail me.

I must take responsibility for my own actions regardless of changing routines and life happenings. I cannot, simply cannot, allow things around me to derail me, to cause me to lose my focus.

So, here I go…………….beginning again. I can do this!!! I can make choices that will lead to a lighter tomorrow. I can make choices that will lead to a healthier tomorrow. I can make choices that will lead to better mobility.

I can do this thing!!!! I can put behind me what has happened. Today is a new day. Today I begin again!! I will choose to leave my past failure behind me and move on.

Well, well, well………….imagine THAT??!!!!

The better choices that I have decided to make during 2012 are definitely bringing about better moments on the scales each week.

Soooooo, goodbye 2011!!
Hellooooooooooooo 2012!!!!!

I have been making much better food choices these past several weeks. This is good news.

I have been to the Y for water aerobics 2 or 3 times each week so far in 2012. This is good news.

I have had losses the last two weeks on the scales. This is good news.

I like good news!!!!!

I saw this statement today on a friend’s Facebook status update: Temptation is both external opportunity and internal desire.

Temptation is definitely an internal desire for something that most of the time is not the most beneficial thing for me to do. Sometimes that temptation comes in the form of food, sometimes purchases of another pocketbook or tote bag.

Temptation is definitely an external opportunity to make a wise or healthy choice. If the temptation is food related, then I have the opportunity to make a healthy choice. Sometimes that mean avoiding the temptation completely; sometimes it means making a healthy choice verses a non-healthy choice.

An update on my struggle with milkshakes. I have had some success in making good choices these last several weeks where milkshakes are concerned. This is very good news!!!

I have been asking the Lord to “blind” me to my favorite drive-thru places to get milkshakes and that has been working. If I forget to pray and see one of those places, I tell myself that I will get one “next time” I pass by, but not today.

Those two choices have enabled me to avoid the pitfall of the “shakes.” This is a good thing.

I am determined to make better choices daily so that with each passing day, I will be one step closer to a healthier more active life.
THIS is good news!!!



It feels good to be getting back on track!!!

2012..........what's next???

Well..............I’ve written my first blog of 2012 about three dozen times, yet I’ve not posted it the first time. Problem is that I’ve written it only in my head. Oh, I’ve thought about posting it……….but, you know what?

I’m tired of feeling that I come here only to declare that I’m starting over. Well, today, I truly WANT to never declare again that I’m starting over.

Therefore, the only way to do that is to stop quitting.

Have I truly quit? Well……..

I do not:
weigh 408 pounds again.
drive through fast food places for my daily meals.
get milkshakes and French fries on my way home from work every day.
intend on giving up.

I am still:
going to my weekly WW classes and facing the scales.
convinced that I will “do this thing.”
convinced that “this” can be done.
choosing to BELIEVE.

During 2009, I joined the YMCA and began exercising in the swimming pool by taking water aerobic classes and spending time on my own swimming, walking, and repeating the class moves. Then in December, I joined WW and hired a personal trainer to work with me one-on-one in the swimming pool.

During 2010, I was in the groove with cooking and exercise. I was not losing as fast as I would have liked, but I was losing fairly consistently. And, I was gaining strength. I could tell that my knees were becoming stronger. I could tell that my muscles were tightening up. I lost almost 70 pounds AND gained some mobility.

During late 2010 and early 2011, several things changed in my routine. My cooking and exercise waned and took a back seat to other things. Bad choice!!! And due to these bad choices, I have regained most of what I had lost.

At my last weigh-in, I was still 25 pounds less that my starting weight. I have not been in several weeks due to WW being closed for Christmas and New Year’s AND then, I was sick yesterday. So, I do not know where I am since before Christmas and I do know that I did not always make wise choices over Christmas holidays.

But………

I can keep wallowing in what was or I can step up to the plate and make choices today that will lead to a better tomorrow.

Yet again, I have a choice to make.

The choice I make at any given moment in my life shapes what happens in the next moment of my life.

So, this year--2012--I am going to choose to put one foot in front of the other and move forward down the weight scales and up the mobility scale. I am choosing to talk more to myself about how I will continue to make healthy choices regarding eating and exercise. I am choosing to talk less to myself about how I've messed up this past year.

Therefore, I will choose to put the mighty power of choice into effect and make a better choice to bring about a better next moment. Then, step back and watch each of those moments lead to better moments.

2012, what's next?? Better choices!!!

What I am putting into my mouth……….

What I am putting into my mouth will NOT change the circumstances of my life, but what I am putting in my mouth WILL change how I am able to deal with those circumstances.

In other words………..

Last night at my office Christmas party, I ate stuff that was not WW-friendly. Why? Because, as I kept telling myself, I only get this particular food or this recipe this time of year. Or, I skipped lunch. Or, I'll eat more carefully tomorrow.

Well, HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Is it not possible to make that same recipe in April or August? Does tomorrow ever come?

Huh? Never thought of that, did I?? Well, yes, but I kept pushing those thoughts back and pushing more food into my face.

Now, understand, I was not overly stuffed when I finished. I didn’t eat totally out of control. I did refuse tasting all of the desserts and I only ate a couple of bites of the homemade cheesecake.

But, I did eat too much………too much according to my daily PointsPlus allowance.

Sooooooo, how does this NOT change the circumstances of my life? Did I enjoy the party more because of what I ate? Did co-workers chat and laugh with me more because of what I ate? Did I feel more joyful, more a part of the group, more loved, more energized by what I ate?

Ummmmmmm, let me think……………

Uhhhhhhh, NO!

I didn’t FEEL any of those things.

Then, what did I feel as a result of what I ate?

Actually, what I felt last night was not the result of what I ate at that particular meal. What I felt last night was the result of what I have been eating these past several months.

This time last year, I was on the losing path. I was gaining muscle strength and better/more mobility. I was able to walk a bit farther and stand a bit longer without excruciating back and knee pain. I was lighter on my feet, literally.

The poor choices I have been making this year, especially these last 4-5 months, with regard to eating and exercise brought about the feelings that I had last night.

While everyone else was fluttering around the kitchen putting out their covered dishes…….while everyone else was wandering around the coworker’s home seeing all of her pretty Christmas decorations…….while everyone else was having fun playing charades…….while everyone else was stirring about chatting and laughing with each other…………………….I was sitting on the sidelines, and at one point, fighting back the tears.

No, Cynthia, what you put into your mouth last night did not change the circumstances about your evening………..BUT, it did change the way you were able to enjoy and respond to those circumstances. It (what I ate) and probably the fact that I cried my way to sleep, caused me to awaken with a sick headache today.

Dear Cynthia, when will you learn that your choices--food choices and exercise choices--if made correctly, will bring about more freedom, more mobility, more laughs, more fun, more joy than you can ever imagine?

So, what I am putting into my mouth WILL NOT change the circumstances of my life. But, what I am putting into my mouth WILL change how I can handle those circumstances.

Responsibility, NOT an Option.........

Just read this on the WW message board posted by my buddy, Happythang19: “I've accepted that at the end of the day, losing weight is a responsibility, not an option for me.”

Stick a fork in me, I am done!! I am so done with this fat suit that I have worn for “weigh” too many years.

Done.

Finished.

I will CHOOSE to do something about it NOW.

2010 brought a year of losing almost 70 pounds and gaining some precious mobility and going off BP meds, just to name a few accomplishments.

2011 brought a year of tough changes in my personal life and work life. These changes ended up derailing me more than I’d like to admit. That derailment has resulted in gaining back 40+ pounds.

The above quote has just hit me squarely between the eyes. I’ve been saying that quitting is not an option and this is true--I cannot quit. So, now I must add the aspect that losing weight is my responsibility.

Well, DUH!!! Okay, I KNOW it is my responsibility to lose my weight. But, I have been slack at accepting the working out of that responsibility. I have allowed things around me, things that I could not control, to derail me.

2012 will be a year of forward progress down the scale and up the mobility trail.

Do I hear me????? DONE with this limited life. Yes, finances may and will limit what I can do that I’d like to do. HOWEVER, I can choose not to be limited by my weight.

The choice is mine as well as the responsibility!! I have been making too many wrong choices during 2011. I can choose to change that trend. I am choosing to be done with this fat. Done, I say DONE with this limited life. It is my responsibility and I am choosing to accept that responsibility.

Only one person......

I just saw this quote today. It is not the first time I have seen this quote. I hope and pray that it will be a time that I have seen this quote that the truth of it will sink deep into the marrow of my being and make a difference in my life.

It only takes one person to change your life -- you.

I started this journey almost two years ago on December 12, 2009. I was determined that it would be the last time that I started this journey. I would not quit until I reached goal and beyond.

When I first began, I was excited. I was doing quite well following the Weight Watchers plan. I was cooking at home, I was exercising regularly. WOW!!! That in and of itself--exercise--was a first for me. I was loving life and the success I was experiencing. Folks were excited for me and were cheering me on often. I was able to get off my blood pressure medication. I was able to go more places. I was able to shop for a bit in stores that didn’t have electric scooters. I was getting smaller and my life was getting bigger and it was fun.

The first year, I lost almost 70 pounds. The second year, I gained back over half of those 70 pounds.

What was the difference in 2010 and 2011? Things that I could not control around me changed and I allowed those changes to affect with my journey. I allowed those changes to discourage and derail me. I allowed external things to determine my choices. I am the only thing that didn’t change this past year. I, too, am the only thing in this “mix” that I could control. Yet, I allowed other things to determine my motivation, my determination, my choices, and my journey.

Cynthia, it only takes one person to change your life -- YOU!!!! I, Cynthia, have the ability to make the choice to change my life. No one else can change it for me. Yes, people will come along side me and encourage and cheer me on during this journey. But, only I can make the right choices to pursue weight loss, health, and mobility--to change my life.

Yet again, the reality of the fact that the choice is mine hits me in the face. I’ve made some poor choices this past year and the scales have responded to those choices. I cannot request or receive a “do-over” for 2011. But, I can choose a “new” way of doing things for the remainder of 2011 and into 2012.

I can make the right choice. Yes, I can………………..

Silence is NOT golden............

Okay, enough is enough!!!

Well, it is safe to say that no news is NOT good news. When you don’t hear from me, it pretty much means that I’m making poor choices, lots of excuses, and not making progress in my journey toward health.

I need to make the commitment to blog at least once a week………regardless of what I have to say/report. I must “own” my poor choices on this journey and not hide when I am making poor choices. I must blog what’s going on even when I’m making poor choices or lots of excuses. After all, this is going to be a long journey and it will involve poor choices, as I have proven that over and over.

I must continue to work to make the good choices more often and poor choices less often. I must continue to seek to not make the poor choices as often and I have been doing this past year.

My poor choices this past year have involved not tracking, not cooking at much at home which leads to eating out more, not figuring the PointsPlus values when I do track, treating myself to those “pointy” treats too often, and making/finding/allowing excuses to not go to water aerobics. There are probably more, those are just the ones that come to my mind right now.

Bottom line…………this year, I have gained back about half of what I had lost during 2010. The good news is that I have continued to attend class each week. I have continued to face the scales. I know that had I not continued with classes, I would have gained it all and then some back by now. Whereas I feel good about not stopping class attendance, I do not feel good about gaining half of it back.

I have such an excellent support group. I am blessed with family and friends who care and who want to help and encourage me. But, I am the only one who can actually do this thing for me.

There’s probably a lot more to say, but it is late and I need to finish up and get ready for tomorrow then get to bed. The bottom line is: This journey is about choices and excuses. I have made some good choices and I have made some poor choices. I have made lots of poor excuses.

However, the one choice that I refuse to make is the choice to quit. I cannot and must not and will not quit. I am quite worth the fight!!!

✔✔I can do this thing today!!!

THAT is going to become my "go to" statement!! I have been struggling for almost a year now. This past Saturday when I stepped on the scales and realized that I have now gained back half of what I had lost between December 2009 and December 2010, I thought "something has to STOP."

I’m basically staring December 2011 in the face and I do NOT want to be any closer to where I was in December 2009. Therefore, something has to STOP!!!

Actually, something must START!!!

I must START planning.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START putting me first again.
I must START preparing my meals.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START cooking at home and not eating out.
I must START not only tracking, but figuring the PointsPlus amounts.
I must START going back to the Y at least 2-3 times a week.
I must START doing some form of exercise daily!!
I must START drinking more water and less Diet Mountain Dew.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START fighting for my life again.
I must START “doing this thing.”
I must START refusing all excuses.
I must START being accountable to self.
I must START facing reality and being honest about this reality.
I must START blogging more consistently.
I must START working the program because the program works!!
I must START resisting food temptations.
I must START putting food in its proper place.
I must START not only tracking, but figuring the PointsPlus amounts.
I must START going back to the Y at least 2-3 times a week.
I must START doing what I know I need to be doing.
I must START believing in myself again.
I must START choosing to be motivated.
I must START not only tracking, but figuring the PointsPlus amounts.
I must START cooking at home and not eating out.
I must START drinking more water and less Diet Mountain Dew.
I must START going back to the Y at least 2-3 times a week.
I must START taking care of myself.
I must START being excited again about my new healthier choices.
I must START working the program because the program works!!

(And, no, there are no duplicates on that list. Just some of the things must be done over and over and over in order to succeed.)

IF I want to enjoy life, I really have no other choice………….. I must START doing what I know to do to move myself toward a healthier, mobile, active life.

OH, and I must START getting more sleep each night. I’ve read article after article about how sleep is necessary for your body and metabolism to work for you instead of against you.

Just like the journey of a thousand miles begins with packing your bags, putting gas in the car, mapping out your journey or updating your GPS, loading the car, cranking the car, pressing the accelerator, and moving forward one mile at a time………….so does the journey of weight loss.

I must START my weight loss journey again by planning, preparing and implementing, and losing one pound at a time.

That really is my only choice. It’s a good choice. It is a choice that I know I can make. I have done it before and I can do it again.

So, Cynthia, I CAN DO THIS THING TODAY!!!! Yes, YES I CAN!!! But...........I must START!!!

Excuse me…...I am not a quitter, I am a loser! Or, am I???

(This was written on August 14th, not sure why I never posted it.)

I made this bookmark back in March 1994. At the time, I had lost almost 100 pounds following Weight Watchers® and weighed around 280-290. It was the most weight I had ever lost. I was feeling good about myself and life was fun and busy.

But obviously…………I was struggling.

Welllllllllll, fast forward to today. I quit following the WW program. I became a quitter and I lost my battle of regaining my health.

I quit in 1994 and I lost. I regained the weight and more that I had lost.

I do NOT intend on being a quitter in 2011.

I DO intend on being a loser.

IF I quit, then I am definitely not a loser.

IF I quit, I would become a loser….…………but what I would be losing if I quit is not what I intend on losing.

Quitting = losing

NOT quitting = losing

Quitting = not losing.

Not quitting = not losing.

I do want to be a loser!! I do not want to be a quitter!!

So, if I am to become a loser, then there are definitely some things that I must quit.

Life can get rather confusing at times.

I am going to choose to become a loser, not a quitter!! Yep, that's my choice and I like that choice!!!

Choice..........it is a powerful word!!!

Choice defined:
►act of choosing something or somebody: a decision to choose one thing, person, or course of action in preference to others
►power to choose: the chance or ability to choose between different things
►selection of things: a variety of things, people, or possibilities from which to choose

Choice!

•*¨*•C•*¨*•H•*¨*•O•*¨*•I•*¨*•C•*¨*•E•*¨*•

A powerful life skill we all possess! A powerful skill we often underestimate.

We make choices each day; consciously and subconsciously. The choices we make shape a moment, a day, a ministry, a job, a relationship......and, definitely, a weight loss journey.

★How will I use this life skill today, especially as it relates to my weight loss journey? I will repeat that phrase throughout the day. I will make good health choices. I will drink water and not as much Diet Mountain Dew.

When I began my WW journey in December 2009, I was choosing to make wise, healthy choices. I have allowed life's bumps and crashes to weaken my resolve, even dare I say, destroy my resolve to make wise, healthy choices.

Today, I WILL CHOOSE TO MAKE WISE, HEALTHY CHOICES.

★★What reward will I experience by refusing to quit? The rewards will be overwhelming. I hadn't quite lost 70 pounds last fall and my list of rewards were very exciting and impressive. I feel myself losing some of those 70 pound rewards. I don't want to continue to lose those rewards.

So, I have a choice to make. I can keep doing what I'm currently doing and hope for a different outcome. Or, I can accept responsibility for my choices and start making better choices.

I can start making choices that will compliment my journey toward better health. Choices that will force the scales to move on a downward path. Choices that will take back those "70 pound rewards" that I have lost. And..................choices that will earn me more rewards.

I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!
I want the reward of accomplishment.
I want the reward of walking, running, bike riding, walking leisurely through the mall, walking through the Zoo, walking through the park, walking, walking, walking..............

I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!

►►I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!◄◄

►►Cynthia, it◄◄
►►really◄◄
►►IS◄◄
►►my◄◄
►►choice!!!◄◄

Yep, that’s my choice. I refuse to quit!!! That’s a choice I can live with. I like that choice!!!

You know what?? It IS all about me!!!!

And the sooner I realize that, the better off I’ll be.

No, I don’t mean that life, in general, is all about me. I don’t mean that when I’m out with my co-workers, family or friends, that it is all about me.

I know that when I am with other people, it is NOT all about me, nor do I want it to be. I don’t mean that it is all about me at the expense of everyone else.

What I mean is that as far as success in my journey toward health, it is all about me. I am the only one who can make this journey work for me.

I am the only one who can make the choices necessary to make forward progress on my journey toward health.

So, for the proverbial $64million question. WHEN will I make the decision to make this journey all about me and do what I know I really should be doing?

If not now, then when????? When will I start making ALL of the choices that must be made to make forward progress on my journey toward health? The choice is completely mine. I am the only one who can make it for me. If not now, then when???

If I were totally honest........

If I were totally honest, I’d face the reality that I have been searching for what I cannot and will not ever find.

Oh, I know this is true in my life and has been for a number of years. But, I keep living outside the reality of this fact as I continue to search for what I cannot and will not ever find.

If I were totally honest, I’d embrace that reality and I’d cease and desist searching for what I cannot and will not ever find.

Yes, it is true that I have lived here and there for a few weeks, even a few months at a time in the reality that I cannot find it. But, then I grow weary in the process and again start searching.

Searching and, yet again, NOT finding.

I am searching for the magic supplement, the magic pill, the magic trick that will cause the weight to just roll off my body. It’s not out there. There is no magic. I know this. Yet, I seem to keep searching for it.

Oh, I haven’t tried every “if you do this, you’ll lose 25 pounds overnight” gimmick out there. In fact, in reality, I’ve tried very few, if any, of those gimmicks with those outlandish, grandiose claims.

But, I have tried my fare share of natural supplements which promise to enhance weight loss. I have tried my fare share of “lose weight faster by drinking ½ cup of grapefruit juice 30 minutes before each meal” to rev up your metabolism. I have tried my fare share of “don’t eat anything after such-and-such time” to speed up weight loss. I have my fare share of “don’t eat any of this colored food” to ensure weight loss.

Do these things work? Possibly. But most of them are things that you can’t really do for the rest of your life. And, they do not work “alone.”

Sure, I could drink grapefruit juice for the rest of my life………….well, actually, that example doesn’t work because I can’t drink that much grapefruit juice each day without my mouth painfully breaking out. So, let’s try another one…….

Sure, I could eat nothing after 5 PM for the rest of my life. That one seems easy enough. No, wait. What if I’m invited to cookouts, parties, dinner at a friend’s home, dinner out with friends after work? I currently don’t even get home until after 5 PM, so I’ll have to eat supper on the way home or before I leave the office. Oops, eating supper on the way home is partially how I got to the weight of 408. Well, eating nothing at 5 PM clearly won’t work for the rest of my life.

Okay, If I’m going to live in the reality that I cannot and will not find what I am searching for, what choice to I have? Is my only choice to remain in this dreadfully overweight body?

Well, actually, NO that is not my only choice. I can choose to live in the reality that my search is over. I am not going to find anything magical to shed the extra pounds.

I must fully embrace with my BRAIN the reality that I cannot and will not find what I am searching for. I must fully embrace with my BRAIN the reality that I can shed these extra pounds. I am not destined to live at this weight for the rest of my life.

There is a song out right now that has the words in it, “I love you more than the words of my brain can express.” This song is talking about the love relationship that the musician has with God. (You can hear the song and see the lyrics here: HoldMe.) But, I digress………..

I have the tools and I know what to do. I just have to get my brain into gear and do what I know to do. I have to quit searching (for the magic) and start doing (what I know to do). I have to quit hoping (that I can do this.) and start knowing (that I CAN do this!).

Quit searching.................start doing.
Quit hoping................start knowing.

So, today, July 10, 2011, 4:30 AM, I, Cynthia, am going to quit searching and start doing. I, Cynthia, am going to quit hoping and start knowing. Yep, that’s my choice……………

Okay, first, I'm going to choose to go to sleep.

I am not where I want to be............

I am not where I want to be. This is a true statement.

……….HOWEVER, I am not where I USED to be!!! This, too, is a true statement.

I AM NOT WHERE I USED TO BE!!!!

That, dear friends, is good news.

Some would say, even I have said, that these last few months, actually all of 2011 so far, have been a failure. I weigh more now than I did on January 1, 2011.

HOWEVER……………..there is another angle to consider, more than just what the scales say.

I do not:
*weigh 408 pounds again.
*drive through fast food places daily for my daily meals.
*get milkshakes and French fries on my way home from work every day.
*intend on giving up.

I am still:
*going to my weekly WW classes and facing the scales.
*walking most of the time without my stick.
*able to do some shopping in stores that don’t have the electric scooters.
*trying new PointsPlus®-friendly foods.
*convinced that “I’ve got this.”

Yes, I was in a better place on July 1, 2010………..but, hear me when I say that I am NOT where I was on July 1, 2009.

No, I am not where I wanted to be on this July 1, 2011………….but, hear me again when I say that I am NOT where I was on July 1, 2009.

AND, hear me when I say that I fully intend on being in a better place on July 1, 2012, than I was on July 1, 2010.

I can choose to make that happen. I get to choose my “place.” I am going to choose the “better place.” Yep, that’s MY CHOICE!!!!!

So, I met one of my WW heroes……………..

Please forgive the week-long delay in posting this. This post was actually written on Saturday, June 18th. Thunderstorms and getting the pictures downloaded from my camera were the hold-up.

Here is the status that I posted on Facebook when I returned home on Friday, June 17th: “Oh my, what a WONDERFUL DAY!!!! I met one of my heroes today. She has done something that I want to do and she has renewed my belief in myself and my ability to succeed!!!! Oh my, what a WONDERFUL DAY!!!!!”

For several months now, I have been trying to get to the upstate on a Friday when Sheri was leading WW class. Well on June 17th, it finally happened. You see, Sheri has lost over 200 pounds which was more than half of her body weight. At this point, she has been a lifetime member for just over a year and she looks wonderful!!!

Oh my what a difference two weeks and meeting one of my WW heroes can make in my life!!!! Two weeks ago, I felt "lost," discouraged, hopeless, scared, really scared......................

June 17th, I got up early on my day off and picked up a friend on the way out of town. A couple of hours later, we arrived in our destination city in time to visit Whole Foods and see what delightful treats we might find there. Didn’t buy much but sure do wish we had one of these in our town—all the veggies and fruits looked so delightful and fresh.

Then we headed over to the WW class where I would finally get to meet one of my WW heroes, Sheri. To be honest, I am in awe of those folks who have lost the amount of weight that I need to lose. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for those who have lost 20, 30, 40 or more pounds and are living at goal.

But there is something about meeting someone who has lost 200 pounds the healthy way—by eating, not starving it off.

This particular hero of mine has lost 202 pounds and kept it off for a year now. She is now a Weight Watcher leader and is encouraging others to reach for their dreams.

After class, we enjoyed lunch together at Jason’s Deli. I had learned about another buddy from the WW message boards lived in the area and she was able to slip away from work and join us for lunch as well. FUN!!

I laughed when Sheri sat down with her delightful PointsPlus®-friendly lunch and quickly said something like this, “If any of you are monitoring my PointsPlus today, just know that I am soooo having the ice cream for dessert.” Love it!!! (Isn't it GREAT that we can have treats like "real" ice cream on WW!!!!)

During lunch I shared where I was at this point in my journey—struggling and can’t get it going again. I shared how I was scared, really scared that I couldn’t get back on track. Sheri looked at me and said she hoped not to offend me, but……. (I gave her freedom to just say it. I know I needed to hear it.)

What words of wisdom did she share with me? Well, here’s the list.

1. Choose what you want to deprive yourself of!! Yes, you can eat cupcakes and ice cream, but what will you be depriving yourself of if you eat those things out of control?
2. You still eat with your same eyes.
3. You don’t want to lose the weight more than you wanted those cupcakes.
4. You can get back up when you fall down.
5. Be accountable to someone.
6. Be brutally honest in your accountability.
7. You don’t have to exercise 2-3 hours every day of the week in order to lose weight or maintain the loss.
8. You can go completely off plan when on a special trip (and gain quite a few pounds while on that trip) AND get back on plan when you get home and still end up losing 202 pounds.
9. This is for the rest of our lives.
10. It can be done!
11. Become whatever you dream! You can do it!

Okay. There it is!!

Did she share any earth-shattering new information with me? Actually, no, nothing completely new.

For me, the most significant thing she shared was not WHAT she shared, but from WHERE she shared it.

You see, she shared with me as someone who has done what I need to do—lose 200+ pounds. She understands not being able to walk up stairs without gasping for breath. She understands not being able to do things in life because of weight. She understands how overwhelming it is to need to lose 200+ pounds.

So, my dear Cynthia, you have been face-to-face with someone who has done what you must do—not just lose weight, but lose 200+ pounds. It can be done.

So, what’s my choice? Where do I go from here???? One thing I know for sure is that I cannot and WILL NOT give up!!! If Sheri (and others I know from the WW message boards) can do it, then so can Cynthia!!!!

PS: I carried my copy of People magazine and had Sheri sign her page.

Scared.............REALLY Scared!!!!

FYI--I actually wrote this entry on June 7th, but never posted it. I'm posting it today before I post what has transpired in my thinking/life since writing this.

Remember in my introduction to my blog over there on the right column I said that sometimes this journey would get ugly? Well, here is some of the ugly.

I’m scared............

I mean really scared.

I had such great momentum going last year through, truthfully, probably only October. I had lost almost 70 pounds—69.2 to be exact.

I was feeling good. I was feeling empowered. I was feeling hopeful that whatever in me had clicked and that I was truly taking back my life, one pound at a time.

Life was good.

Life was fun again.

Life was full of adventures that it had been a very long time since I had been able to enjoy--shopping at stores without electric scooters, going to movies and not being in pain from sitting in the seats, just to name a few.

Then slowly, but surely, I relaxed………and not in a good way.

This type of relaxing is toxic to my health.

So, what happened?

Well, up until the first of May, I was gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. As long as my total loss stayed in the 60s, I felt I was doing okay.

Mind you, gaining/losing the same 10 pounds is NOT what I wanted to be doing or needed to be doing. But, I was still doing okay and had not given up. Right?

Well, yes and NO!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!

Cynthia, this is your life you are fighting for? Are you happy sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy doing things that you love to do? Are you happy?

Are you happy? I’m not talking is my mood happy. Not talking about being happy with my job. I’m talking about being happy about the choices that I’m making today that will determine the choices I’m able to make tomorrow--tomorrow in the proverbial sense, not the literal sense.

I’m talking about being happy with the choices I’m making today regarding my journey toward a healthier/lighter Cynthia.

Are the choices I’m making today fostering positive results that will allow me to make the choices in all of my tomorrows that I’d like to be making? (Does that sentence even make sense??)

Like I said in the title of this blog………….I’m scared, I’m really scared.

Where do my choices go from here?

Well, I did it!!! Or.........did I????

I got my second “honorary” 5K charm from WW this week. And, that’s pretty much the only positive spot in my health related actions this week.

Last year, I got my first “honorary” 5K charm by working up to and doing a 5K on the recumbent bike. It was a lot of hard work, pain, sweat and perseverance. I was so proud of myself for that accomplishment last year.

This year, not so much. This year, a completely different story. Yes, I worked hard, sweated and experienced pain and accomplished what I needed to earn another honorary 5K charm. But, it was bittersweet.

This year, I didn’t feel the joy of accomplishment like I did last year.

This year, the celebration seemed “flat.”

This year, those of us who are “medically-challenged” were allowed earn the charm by walking a 5K within a 24 hour period. I got tongue tied in class when I reported my accomplishment. I earned my charm by walking it in the afternoon, evening and next morning and early afternoon, on a treadmill, flat land and in the water (with the help of putting my pedometer in a plastic bag to keep it dry)…….still within 24 hours.

So, why was it a bittersweet victory?? After all, I walked more than twice as many steps as I normally walk four days this past week. I actually did walk over 3 miles to earn the reward. I walked, I walked………..I WALKED!!

So, again I ask, why was it bittersweet to accept the charm from my leader this year???

Because I kept thinking how I should have been earning this reward the “right” way this year—out walking a real 5K with others. I should be farther along on my weight loss journey and with my fitness level. After all, I’ve been at this since January 2009 with water aerobics and December 2009 with WW and water aerobics.

I had a long chat with my WW leader last week and she said something very profound to me. She told me to stop comparing myself to ME.

Huh???

She went on to say that while talking to her, I kept saying that I was able to do such-and-such, I was losing better, I was this and I was that. But since this and this and this happened in my life, I was no longer able to do such-and-such.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH YOU!!! “Cynthia, this is today. This is where you are. Don’t talk about the Cynthia of last month. Don’t even talk about the Cynthia of last week. Start with this Cynthia and move forward.”

Hellooooooooooooo……………what a radical thought!! Start with THIS Cynthia and move forward!

So, last week I mulled that conversation over and over and over and over…………

I do struggle with comparing my weight loss journey to others whose age is similar to mine or weight is similar to mine or whatever. And, I know the danger of doing that. So, I really do strive not to compare my weight loss journey to other’s. But, comparing my weight loss journey to my own weight loss journey………yep, guilty as charged. Just hadn’t really thought about and realized how dangerous and unproductive that is.

As I struggled through this issue of comparing myself to myself, I pretty much ate and ate and ate as I thought and thought and thought. I showed a whopping 6.6 pound increase on the scales. (At least I’m consistent……..gained this much a couple of weeks ago during my birthday week celebration.) UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! And, the real scary thing is that I didn’t completely “throw in the towel” and forget making healthy choices. I just added very unhealthy and unwise choices on top of the healthy ones.

Thus, another reason receiving this 5K reward was bittersweet.

BUT, that was yesterday and THIS IS TODAY!!!!

Today, I have the freedom to make a choice. I can choose to fight hard and get back on track or I can toss in the towel and gain all of what I have lost—which, in this case, is a very negative result. The choice is mine. No one can make it for me.

Only I can make the best choice for me.
Only I can stop these self-destructive habits.
Only I can choose to fight this battle, literally, fight for my life.

Soooooooooo, as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I ask myself, “Cynthia, the choice is mine!! What am I going to choose?”

Hellooooooooooo…………Cynthia, WE have a problem!!!

I was struggling, but still hanging on before Thanksgiving of last year and reached my high of 69.2 pounds lost. Since then, I have been up and down, up and down...........with my gain this past Saturday, I have now officially lost only 51.4 pounds--up 17.8 pounds from lowest weight since joining in 12/2009.

Let THAT bit of reality sink in, Cynthia. You had lost 69.2 pounds, now you’ve only lost 51.4.

It is time to stop the madness!! It is time to stop hiding behind the excuses you've managed to hang on to. It is time to stop choosing failure BECAUSE success is an option!!!!

YES, I am thankful to be 51.4 pounds lighter than my highest weight. HOWEVER, this is not an acceptable weight to stay at. And, let’s face it, as a friend and I were talking yesterday…………we don’t STAY at a specific weight, we are either losing or gaining. Why is it so hard to lose, yet so easy to gain?

THAT should have served as a wake-up call. But, alas, birthday cake called louder and more obnoxiously and this has not been a good week.

Yesterday, as I was sitting at my desk at work, I realized just how bad, physically bad, I felt. I felt sluggish again. My knees have been hurting more. My energy is less.

WAKE UP!!!!! STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!

Cynthia, remember your decision to make the right choices to take back your health and mobility????

Cynthia, remember how good it felt to walk free of pain and the stick????

Cynthia, remember how good it felt to get off your BP meds????

Cynthia, remember how good it felt to shop at stores without electric scooters????

ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE THAT UP AGAIN????????

My head says a resounding NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! But, my actions, my actions are what counts and will they show a resounding NOOOOOO????????

Will I continue to haphazardly follow the WW program?

Will I continue to "excuse" my way out of trips to the swimming pool?

Will I continue to hope the scales show a loss when I know that my eating and activity level have done very little to contribute to a loss?

When will this madness stop?

Cynthia, we have a problem!! What’s your choice going to be? Only YOU can make the right choices!!